The German Paradox...

It seems as though all I am writing about these days are the uncomfortable aspects of my life, which I guess is the ultimate reason for starting this blog many years ago. I do wish I had more cheerful or truly upbeat things to talk about (though I guess my last post was largely all about excitement), but really the impetus to spend the time to write about those things is generally smaller than the larger issues that bother me on a semi-frequent basis. Also, those happier slice-of-life moments tend to get highlighted in my twitter feed or on Facebook instead of here.

Anyways I have entitled this post "The German Paradox" for a very specific reason. (I guess that is sort of the epitome of a title, but I digress) This relates very much to my growing discomfort with the disconnect somewhat with my own personal satisfaction of my work and that of the beliefs of those that surround me regarding my work. Could I state that in any more confusing of a way? Perhaps not...what I mean to say is that frankly I have been disappointed in my research/work-ethic/overall ineffectiveness increasingly in recents weeks and months and at the same time I am being lauded by those (some) around me for my extraordinary efforts and accomplishments.

I have found this to be the case for years dating back to my time as an undergrad. My real tangible accomplishments never seem to line up with the amount of respect and credit I earn. Retrospectively the real, meaningful, marks left by me in the chemical work are really minimal. I haven't been able to shake this blight on my own record all these years. I have never quite been able to mount that last hill.

Perhaps its just the overall state of mind that I am in these days that this has really started to become impactful on me. The hours and days and weeks and years are mounting and the self-pressure to succeed is really starting to take a toll. Even as the external pressures aren't measurably higher than any other time. And this is where I get to what I have come to calling the "German Paradox".

The German part of this is in reference to my acceptance to attend the 60th Meeting of the Nobel Laureates in Lindau, Germany this summer. Read slightly more about it here. It is quite the honor to be able attend this meeting, and I was kinda shocked that I made this through all the hurdles to get to this point. Of all the qualified people in the department, at the University, in the country, around the world, my ordinary accomplishments merit an invitation over the tens of other individuals that are more worthy in my mind? Why am I being rewarded for accomplishments that I believe are some of my least noteworthy? This is the paradox that I am referring to. (NOTE to Derek if you read this: I looked up paradox to make sure I use it in the correct context and believe it works here...but feel free to correct me if you feel otherwise...haha)

In the last several years, the thing or accomplishment that I have felt most prideful of is my teaching. I really felt like I poured my heart and soul into it and would have been nice to be recognized for that instead of whatever perceived academic accomplishments I have from the last handful of years. In many ways, I now feel as though I have to set up and earn this award on some level and the extra internal pressure really doesn't help things much I feel. My external sources of relief (those being social ones) seemingly have been pushed further and further away which makes everything a little harder to deal with as things become more complicated. (But this is topic for another blog post in the future...)

So to wrap, this "German Paradox" has sort of thrown me for a loop in recent months. I am working increasingly hard these with little perceived benefit. I have received this award for which I tell myself I have not quite earned, while others celebrate it as recognizing my worthy accomplishment.

Such is life I guess...

Some Political Points: Health Care Reform & Visit from Obama Science and Technology Advisor

Health Care Reform
Where do I even begin with a discussion of health care reform? That is a tricky question to answer as there is just so much to the issue. I will try to hit the points that I feel are the most pressing/important/irritating to me at the moment. It has been a few days since the high of excitement of the bill's passage, so hopefully I will be able to clearly articulate in a fair manner my thoughts on the issue.

First I guess I should just state that I am (unsurprisingly) strongly in favor of the legislation passed and consider it as being an important building block towards the complete overhaul of the American health care system. Personally, I feel the bill does not go far enough as I think a public option or even a single-payer system would be better mechanisms for both providing universal coverage and cutting costs. But under the political realties of the situation, the bill passed this week may be the best bill possible under the circumstances.

I agree with those who say health care is moral decision. A country as rich as ours should not leave people to live without health insurance. Preventative medicine is something that can go a long way towards driving down the overall cost of health care in the country. We should be doing what we can to provide for those less fortunate than us.

Some (I should say most) conservatives have been screaming at the top of their lungs saying that this bill is going to add a trillion to the national debt over the course of a number of years. This is just simply false as evidenced by the CBO score which said that it was going to cut the deficit over the course of 10 years. I think there is also something to be said about the cost savings that may be provided by a generally more healthy populace that takes less trips to the ER, etc.

It also irritates me that anyone would rail against health simply because it might increase the deficit. Generally these are the same people and legislators who pushed for the ultimate money sink-hole in the war in Iraq, whose costs are responsible for a large chunk of the existing deficit. Similarly, some (falsely might I add) decry that the bill is at the same time is cutting Medicare benefits, which would seem to be exactly the type of government spending that conservatives would generally vote for cutting.

Finally, the notion that this whole health care bill is some "government-takeover" and the manifestation of some extreme socialist philosophy of the Obama administration might be the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. This health care bill is heard socialist. Many liberals and progressives have tongue-in-cheek stated that if the health care was going to be deemed "socialist" no matter what was in it we might as well have made it actually made it that way by including the public option or going for a single-payer system. The goal of this health care reform is not to interfere in your life and make medical decisions or increase the government role in patient care, but really to insure that everyone has access to affordable health care and attempt to bring down the overall costs incurred by the nation.

How can anyone have a problem with the most immediate benefits that will be felt from the passage of the bill. Those being the elimination of pre-existing conditions as an excuse to refuse enrollees into insurance programs and increasing the age to 26 for college students to be on their parents plan. What is not to like about these? I just have to shake my head when I hear a Republican congressman or attorney general come out in favor of repealing this bill.

It is much harder to articulate these points on paper than it is to verbalize. I feel pretty passionately about this subject after months and months of coming to understand the situation throughout the course of the debate. Perhaps this arena is not the best effectively express my views. As a final point, it is my hope that others will come around as they see the plan come into play. This bill has every bit the potential to go down in history as one of the most important pieces of legislation passed in the last 50-60 years.

UM Visit from Obama's Science and Technology Advisor

One of the many great things about going to a school like the University of Michigan is the opportunity to see some truly amazing speakers that come and give talks at the school. As part of U. of Michigan's kickoff celebration for the 40th anniversary of Earth Day, John P. Holdren gave a talk entitled "Science and Technology Policy Priorities and Opportunities in the Obama Administration" in front of a large crowd on campus.

While it was a pretty boring policy talk, it genuinely excited me about the direction our country is headed in with the people Obama has in place with respect to science and technology. The focus on fact-based scientific research is refreshing sight after the dismal Bush years. The commitment to increased science funding is a welcome sight with both NSF and NIH grants seeing increases in this year's budget.

Holdren emphasized the administration's desire to pass climate-change legislation to big cheers from the room. (The room was also quite enthusiastic about health care reform passing.) He also talked extensively about Obama's push for increased STEM educational programs across the country, which I think is one of the most important things we can to provide for a better future and that is EDUCATE!

There was also a question and answer session following his presentation which highlighted the great intellect of the U of M community with some great questions about stem cell research, paying for these ambitious programs, what to do about obstinate legislators ("vote the bums out!"), and the push for high speed internet access all across the country. I love seeing intelligent questions being asked.

I guess this talk just heightened my excitement of the possibilities of what the Obama administration can achieve when they put their political might behind something. The health care victory is hopefully the first of a great many things to make our country a better place.

Out of the Pensive Vault: Random thoughts on UM, March Madness, Spring Break, Chicago ACS

Every once and I while I like to dip into the archives of my blog and bring back to the front some particularly interesting posts from the past.  This one comes from almost exactly 3 years ago on March 16, 2007. Very interesting my impressions from my department visit to Michigan as well as my complaints about OSU and Butler.
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All right...it only seems like a million things have happened since the last time I updated the blog. I will try to cover all the major points...

U of M
So two weekends ago (March 9-11), I visited the campus and the Chemistry Department in Ann Arbor. (My first time in Michigan...kinda weird since it does border Ohio) Anyway, I absolutely loved my experience there. On Friday, we had an informal reception with the other visiting students, graduate students, and faculty. I got to talk to some of the faculty (Dr. Johnson, Dr. Sanford) and a few graduate students to get a feel for the school.

Shortly thereafter, we split-up into small groups and went to downtown Ann Arbor for dinner. Dr. Montgomery and Dr. McNeil were my group's faculty escorts and we went to a fancy Italian restaurant. They really must of been trying to wine-and-dine-us because it (and all the other restaurants students were taken to) were really rather expensive and fancy. (I mean we ordered wine and had fancy appetizers.) I really felt my lack of big-city culture.

Saturday was a frenetic day of meetings with faculty members in the Chemistry Department. I met with six faculty members that we all very interesting in their own way. My favorites were Dr. McNeil and Dr. Matzger but Dr. Johnson and Dr. Sanford were cool too. Again I had the opportunity to talk to a bunch of graduate students about what they thought about the program and faculty. (soooo much talking, sooo much talking).

Later that night the graduate students took us out to a local eatery (pizza/Italian again)...were we got to talk some more with the graduate students (this time though away from the faculty...so conceivably they could be more honest). They then took students who wanted to out a local brewery (not me of course...by this time I was rather tired...and alcohol is not a motivating factor in my life). That was basically the visit.

Generally speaking, I really loved the faculty and their research. The town was more urban than I had expected so that might take some getting used to if I go there. From the onset of my graduate school search, I was impressed by Michigan and I think it is an almost lock that I will go there.

One last comment on UM...either the faculty are really interested/or care-- I have received 2 emails from faculty that I talked to, and a phone call as well--or UM has a very rigorous recruitment policy.

March Madness
So Wright State made it into NCAA Tournament for the first time since 1993...and if you blinked you missed it. It was kinda sad to watch Wright State get blown out on national television (especially after watching Butler and OSU win earlier in the day), but it was a remarkable accomplishment just to get into the tournament. (In my mind that incredible win over Butler in the Horizon League will be lasting memory of the "tournament")

The Raiders simply got a raw deal on seeding. A #14?...especially after Butler got a #5...really a disappointment. Even with the #14 we arguably got the hardest of the four...a Pitt team that had been ranked as high as number 1 this year. Heck even Miami got a #14 seed and we beat them this year!!!

Anyway...this Saturday I admit that I threw up a little in my mouth...watching not only Butler win another game (WE BEAT THEM TWICE!!!), but OSU's sick comeback (Derek has only played it about a hundred times since Saturday) against Xavier. Really the could have only been worse basketball wise if VCU had beaten Pitt. The whole experience kinda ruined March Madness, especially when coupled with the heart-break of WSU.

Spring Break
So I'm on Spring Break this week...but it really doesn't feel like a break from anything. My mind has yet to have a real rest. I have been to school everyday this week (and yet I can't remember to bring back my library books). We'll see if I actually relax and kick about a little.

National American Chemical Society Meeting--Chicago, Ill.
I have my poster all ready to go and printed up. I leave on Saturday and stay through Thursday morning with the hope I get back for Instrumental Analysis on Thursday evening. (NOTE: I will be missing the first 3 days of the Spring Quarter for this meeting...so I guess it better be good.

The Cove, living with passion, teaching, Butler/OSU...

The Cove

Every year it seems I am playing catch-up with the best movies of the past year right around the time the Oscars occur. Seeing as the last movie I saw was Up In the Air sometime around Christmastime, I have a lot of ground to make up. The Cove caught my attention right after the whole SeaWorld incident where a killer whale killed one of its handlers. I saw many people reference this movie as one that should convince you to support the cessation of all animals-for-entertainment industry. Also I happened to catch the documentary's director on Talk of Nation a few weeks ago. From that segment the story sounded so tragic (I should mention that this is about the illegal killing of dolphins in a particular city in Japan) but at the same time had an element of spying or Ocean's Eleven type planning.

I wouldn't characterize myself as much of an "animal-rights" person. I generally take the naive position that people should be and are treating animals with respect. This movie though really powerfully showed the exploitation of dolphins and a lot of the sociopolitical elements behind Japan's cover-up of the whole situation. There is a scene in the movie that shows the slaughther of the dolphins in "the cove" and how the water just turned crimson afterward. I don't think I can get that image un-seared from my mind. I will say this. After seeing this documentary...I definitely support ending the captivation all animals used solely for entertainment (places like SeaWorld, etc.)

Powerful stuff.


Teaching and living with passion

This sort of period of self-discovery over the past several years has taught me a lot about myself and in all sorts of aspects of life. I have blogged about these issues on many occasion over the past few years. I was reminded though again this week after returning to the classroom for the first time in over a year of something that I think sets me apart from many people. (It nice to be able to say that about yourself..."you've got this going for you")

That thing is passion.

Most everything I choose to do in life. I do with a passion. I dive deep and put everything I have into whatever is at hand. I noticed this about my teaching style. I CARE. I feel this personal obligation to make sure everyone is able to get something out of each time they set foot in the classroom. Chemistry is fun and cool, exciting. I have this need to imbrue my teaching with this sense. I know if a teacher or professor talks with passion about a subject I am more apt to pay attention. The idea being if he/she cares so much about a particular topic...then perhaps I should too.

I perform my research with a passion too. And maybe that is why I so feel the ups and downs that go along with it. (As I write this, I know I have talked about this in some form either here in the blog or to someone in conversation.) Look at the way I approach sports. For all my favorite teams I am all in. I superstitiously wear the jerseys and the hats. I throw things when a play isn't made. I change my profile picture on Facebook or set my status update to reflect my routing interest. I have wrapped sports up into my emotional fiber. (That may be why I even bother to write out the next section of this post about basketball).

And these are just a few that I generally outwardly manifest. I passionately cherish those who touched my life in some way. Even on my meager graduate student stipend, I have felt obligated to give back to the schools that gotten me here today. I have donated to Wright State on several occasions to support the faculty, staff, and students and all that they are trying to accomplish. I will never speak ill of any aspect of Beavercreek schools and alway trumpet the excellent education I received during my 13 years there.

Then are my friends and colleagues...it is sometimes the most difficult to mask how much I care about them. Especially without seeming strange. For many of them I would do almost anything to help them out of jam, or provide a kind ear for them to share their problems. As I have discussed recently in this place though I am rarely confided-in in that. Often times it seems I am bother by others problems more so that my own.

And I think this is a great way to live life. Though you experience lower lows than most, I can't imagine what it is like going through life with a general sense of ambivalence. What is the point?


Butler and OSU are once again the bane of my existence...

So this week basically marked the end of basketball for the year for me, as I watched both the Raiders and Wolverines fulfill their dreams of making it into the NCAA tournament. Ironically (or not) it was their arch rivals that did them both in the two most devastating ways possible (at least for a fan). Butler shot close to a million percent from the field on to crush us for the third time this year. It really seemed as though they played their best basketball against all year long. Doing a little math on the side, I came up with the fact that cumulatively the Bulldogs shot 56% against WSU this year. That is simply an amazingly high percentage. Hard to blame the Raiders defense as it was either first or second in the HL as far as points per game...seems to me we had the bad luck of Butler playing out of their minds. I always new it was going to be a long shot to beat them on their home floor, but to get embarrassed the way we did on national television just adds a painful exclamation point to what has generally been a very disappointing sports year. (Though I should add that this was the fourth straight year for WSU to win 20 games...so things could be a lot worse!)

Here I thought that would be the most shocking loss that would occur this week to a team I care about, but boy was I wrong. Obviously the Michigan loss to Ohio State at the buzzer in basically a tournament elimination game smarts even more. Luckily I was spared the indignity of watching it live (though my brother so kindly texted me shortly after it happened), or else I might have just burst out into tears. In my handful of games I attended live this year I saw similarly ridiculous feats. Wisconsin basically nailed that same shot Evan Turner made right before halftime when they visited earlier this year. I also had the pleasure of seeing the failed attempt at a last second victory against Michigan State where we were on the losing end again.

I hate to be a spiteful fan and wish the same pain I have felt on others, but I will definitely be rooting against Butler and OSU most vociferously during the Tournament.

Oh...and luckily baseball is right around the corner!

Let's talk Olympics...specifically spirit....

Last night was the Closing Ceremonies for the Vancouver Olympic Games 2010, and nowthe Olympics are over for another two years *sad face*.  While watching last night, I couldn't help but think about how powerfully I feel about these events and those that participate in them.  To me, these are the athletic heroes that should be looked up to if you do that sort of thing.  There is something so powerful about watching these individuals or teams strive to achieve their dreams, whether this be to win gold, medal, or do a personal best and all under the auspices of representing their countries.  I think those most genuine of emotions devoid of the all interest in money, endorsements, "playing-time", new contract, etc are what make the Olympic games special.

Watching the obscure figure skater from Turkey who has no shot at medal go out to skate simply for the pride at being at the Olympics, or Joannie Rochette skating to honor her recently passed mother, these are what makes the Olympics great.  The way the Canadian fans reacted with such vigor as their team took hockey gold or their countrymen won ice dancing Olympic gold. This is also to say nothing of the way the games seem to unite the world through the love of sport.

And in light of the way these games make me feel, I find myself becoming truly angry or annoyed by those who say they didn't watch or weren't going to watch or didn't breathe in the Olympic spirit as I did.  This is strange to me.  Why do I feel so strongly that everyone should be watching the Olympics?  Well I guess to answer my own question...I think it is very much tied to what I laid out above.  In my mind the Olympics represent the best of human spirit and nature and of nationalist pride. This is the world's opportunity to unite and live a shared experience that crosses cultures, to put aside differences for a couple weeks.  Someone who doesn't feel that it is important be a part of this shared experience saddens me, leaving me to feel as though they have grown cynical of the human spirit or don't feel a rush being able to see people achieve their dreams before your eyes.

At the least, I gave my parents a hard time about this and in the past two weeks have mentally chided others for similar attitudes towards the games.  Much like it requested in many Christmas songs to "keep the spirit with you all through the year," I feel that a lot of good can be done if we keep the spirit of the Olympic games going all through the year.