News, music, and me...

I think this may be some sort of record on time interval between posts...its almost been 2 full months. A lot has happened over the course of November and December and I would highly encourage you to check out my Facebook and Twitter pages for the more blow-by-blow details if that is something of particular interest.

I feel I need to highlight the fact that I passed my data meeting last month and now have an "official" timetable for graduation, that being in April/May if everything lines up fine or at the latest August if things are tough. That is exciting and a bit of a load off my shoulders. Lining up my next employer is the next phase along with the expected heavy load of writing. It should prove to be an exciting first 6 months or so to the new year. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to share these big occasion with those most important to me.

Skipping over the rest of everything that has happened since those last couple World Series games (which we should all agree never happened), I have been a bit blindsided in the past week or so with how suddenly everything that I thought was "up" suddenly became "down" and correspondingly the other way around. There is a long discussion in here about what all of those pieces are and how heartbreaking or positive or down-right weird they have become in my eyes, but really that is probably a bit more revealing about me than I want to be right now publicly. 

However, the last few days have resurfaced certain observations that have been percolating in my head about the personal attachments I make with regards especially to music, but also television, movies, etc. I don't know about the rest of the world, but I tend to strongly read into the lyrics (in the case of a song) or the characters plight/triumph/whatever (in the case of fiction) often shoehorning my personal situation into the contextual elements of the piece.

Being a grad student, I particularly find that a long of songs seems to be perfectly describing my daily life. The most clear example of this I can think of is this song:

For the past five years, I have felt almost constantly "Under Pressure"

Similarly, I recently caught the music video for Kelly Clarkson's latest track "Stronger", which is much in the tradition of her angsty breakup-type songs. But from my prospective, if you substitute "chemistry' for the unnamed guy she is singing this song to...it really works as a great motivational piece to fight the good fight against the many "failures" that one faces doing research and being in grad school.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." ...indeed.

Finally, the song that has struck a cord most strongly with me this past week or so is "Shot in the Dark" by Augustana (listen to it on Spotify: Augustana – Shot In The Dark)

I have quoted the lyrics liberally below:

I had a vision for the life that was ahead of me
I had a reason, had a ride and had a destiny
I thought I never knew where I was heading
I would never look back

I had it all and then I went and let it slip away
I’m working overtime I’m gonna make it anyway
Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes you never get her back

Oh, you know that I’m

Rising up slowly and getting higher
I’ve been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I’m a fighter
I know I still got a shot in the dark
Baby, we still got a shot in the dark

Sometimes in life you meet the people that you think you trust
Wake up one day and find that everything had turned to dust
I always knew that you’d be waiting for me when I got back

Waiting when I came

Rising up slowly and getting higher
I’ve been living with a hole in my heart
Weighing down on me, but I’m a fighter
I know I still got a shot in the dark
Baby, we still got a shot in the dark

I’m gonna find a way
I’m gonna find a way, yeah
I’m gonna find a way

I got a vision for the life that is right in front of me
I got a ride, I got a reason, got a destiny
I know exactly where I’m headed and I’m never looking back
Well, nothing’s holding me back
Well, nothing’s holding me back
 

If you look past some of the specific allusions to the fact that this is about a romantic relationship to a broader interpretation, for me this song hits on various levels both professionally and personally regarding a host of demons/ambitions of mine. Much contemplation has been spent listening to this song.

These are but a few examples of many that I could list that have taken on a personal meaning. This really seems like a cursory look, but I guess it is better than nothing. My ambition for these posts rarely meets the level of  attention and energy necessary to see them through to their fullest.

I will close with one last...well...something...that has crossed my mind the past few days. And left without comment for you to read what you will from it.

(And yes it does bother me that the videos linked to are wider than my blog template, but that will have to be dealt with at another time.)

I just have to let it out…

(This is rough…and probably poorly written…but that is what happens to my writing after midnight.)

I didn’t watch Game 7.

I didn’t have to watch Game 7.

There was one of two scripts that was to be written and either was anticlimactic. The Rangers win overcoming all the odds and become World Series Champions. The Rangers lose and join the long legacy of teams who meltdown in Game 6s and ultimately fall apart before winning it all.

I am beyond heartbroken. I am lost.

I sit here in front of my keyboard wearing a Rangers Playoffs 2011 sweatshirt I bought the night we clinched the division and a playoff spot this year. The wallpaper on the desktop behind this window is a series of Rangers photos that I put together as a theme way back in April when the season started. On the desk next to me, is my Rangers-themed Pillow Pet I picked up this summer while I was down in Texas. On the wall behind me is a big Rangers banner I bought in the excitement of last year, making the playoffs and winning the division for the first time in more than a decade. The wallpaper on my phone is Rangers. The wallpaper on my iPad…yep…Rangers. Heck, at present my pillow cases are some shabby old Rangers ones I have had since I was a kid.

I hope this doesn’t make me come off as crazy. My life does not revolve around the Rangers, but in the last few years they certainly have played an increasingly big role in my life. It is just all too easy.

It’s the middle of the summer. You are a grad student working 12 hours a day. You come home to relax. There is nothing on television worth getting attached to so you unwind by turning on a baseball game. And repeat this just about everyday all summer. You develop a bit of an attachment.

Last year the Rangers made a miraculous run and shattered all the barriers that had yet to be crossed for the franchise. It was an amazing year and the fact that we didn’t win the World Series…really it was okay. Disappointing but okay. We weren’t really all that close to winning it all, losing in 5 games to San Francisco. I frankly have blocked out most memories of that World Series. I couldn’t tell you the story for most of the games.

Everything is different this year. We were LITERALLY one strike away…twice…from winning the whole thing. This is an impossibility. How does that happen? Fate did not shine down upon this team for some reason. It just doesn’t make sense.

I didn’t watch Game 7 because I have become so emotionally invested in the Rangers that at points I seriously became afraid that the nerves, etc. were becoming bad for my health. I would have been a wreck. I am still a wreck and I didn’t even watch that clinching out made by the Cardinals.

I really wonder if anyone understands. Truly. I look to those around me and I feel as though everyone doesn’t quite understand just how big a deal this is. I am saddened that people didn’t more vociferously come out in support of the Rangers among my friends…if only for my benefit. Perhaps everyone was rooting for them secretly just for me, but I guess I just felt like the craziest of crazy.

I have mentioned in the past in this space how sports are really a mood-setter for me. They bring great happiness that I can carry with me on through to other aspects of my life, or alternatively they can hang a cloud of depression over everything else I do.

Today was just a terrible day. I only slept a few hours due to the devastation of the loss in Game 6 last night. Then going school, I am the depressed kid amongst people who don’t even know who is playing in the World Series, let alone how important it is to me. The internet is basically ruined for me right now. It is all painful. The splash graphics, the tweets, the Facebook posts, even CNN. It is all just too much.

How do I move on from this? I keep asking myself this question. I don’t have an answer. I don’t know. I just don’t know. I guess will have to try to remember all the positives from this season and not the what-ifs. The media is not going to let this go…and much like the Cowboys have for years…the Rangers are going to have this unfortunate story hanging around their necks until they can get the job done on the biggest of stages. I just worry that we can’t expect a trip to the World Series every year.

P.S. I am beginning to have a burning rage about this All-Star Game decides the homefield thing. The Rangers have been hosed for two straight years because of it.

My major malfunction (with my future)...

With it being a relatively slow evening (no Rangers, Fall season hasn't started yet) it is the perfect time to spend some time blogging! 

The title is more of an alliterative word-play than a substantive description (hence the parenthetical to not make it not sound quite so alarmist), but I think can aptly describe my current state of being. 

I have talked with so many people in so many different forms over the past few days/weeks/months about the subject of my future and where I am headed. Heck...I even wrote a couple blog posts about the "future" when the summer was just beginning. One about...well a decidedly different topic (and I even referred to "my major malfunction")...and the second about my work future. So I figured it is an appropriate time to organize my thought-process on the whole situation and layout my "options" as I see them at this moment. Especially focusing on my insecurities and misgivings about the whole thing which I see as essentially my "major malfunction" in this particular context.

Fundamentally, I am at this cross-roads period where it is time to think about my future. I am starting my fifth year and it is the plan to graduate sometime before this time next year. The goal is sooner (i.e. before May...rather than later, like next summer). I could talk endlessly about how I feel my research is woefully incomplete and has some pretty significantly logic leaps in it and that I don't feel that my publication portfolio is a slam dunk "let's-pass-him-he's-ready-to-graduate" kind of deal just yet while at the same time I feel pretty confident that I have developed the thought-process demanded of earning a PhD. But for the sake of everyone's sanity, I will simply leave it as the cloud hanging over the rest of the proceedings here: "Am I [Travis] ready to graduate?'

With that big question looming, there still exist that need to be prepared for the next phase in my career if the answer to that question turns out to be yes. As such my life (and head) is swimming with talk of my post-doctoral job hunt. (For those unfamiliar read the Wikipedia page on what a "post-doc" is/does...basically it is another step towards a career in academia.) Now unlike many of the job fields in the current climate, this isn't simply take the first offer that comes my way. But rather something that really needs to be a balance of augmenting what I have learned by providing some area of new experience while utilizing skills that I have picked up in my graduate training. Simply put: given my pedigree, I (theoretically should) have some options.

As it stands, there are few clear options that I have a reasonably good "ins" with that I could conceivably see myself taking when the time comes. None of them in the abstract are perfect situations. One would be heavily spectroscopic (basically the opposite direction of study I would like to lean toward for my post doc) but in a beautiful part of the country that I love. Another could be at a big institute in the Northeast presumably doing less spectroscopy and more synthesis, but definitely biological and not materials oriented. Finally another potential one that is decidedly more in my wheelhouse...in Chicago, doing materials synthesis and characterization...but really plays upon my apprehensions about being able to do everything hypothetically required of me and being "a good fit".

Outside of the fundamental questions about the kind of chemistry I want to be doing. I perhaps have larger location qualification than most. I love the Midwest. I have grown up here my whole life. Culturally I understand it. I want to be near my family. These things are important to me even though it will only be year a two. Chicago would be awesome for a lot of "personal" reasons. I could live with the Northeast I think. The West seems too far despite the number of great schools/programs. 

I have to decide if I am going to let chemistry dictate my life or if such personal considerations like these will trump some opportunities. I am at the point where I feel like I have neglected a lot outside of the realm of chemistry for the past several years. (See another recent blog post.) I am very much tempted to be swayed by factors that have nothing to do with chemistry...out of the fear that I may have to give up certain "aspirations" in my life once again in my new phase of life.

Other questions: what do I actually need to accomplish with this post-doc to be successful in the academic job market? Does it really matter so much the pedigree of the program/lab I go into? Does the kind of chemistry actually matter, or can I develop a research program without a lot of experience in an area of research?

At this point I am frozen. Everyone is so positive about the things I can accomplish. Almost to the point that they are a given. But I have to make it happen. I do. Nothing is a given. Just because people say I am ready to graduate doesn't mean I just graduate. Looking too far in the future...makes it seem like the present is already decided. It's not. Any future that I have is the result of my actions in the here and now and to divorce myself from that to jump ahead to sort-out something so nebulous in my head as what my future post-doc job will be is incredibly difficult. I guess I need some larger reassurances that my "present" is in far better shape than what I think before I can seriously wrap my head around pouring concrete into my future into concrete.

Advice is always welcome and I can't express enough how much the encouragement I have gotten all along helps. The world I am in is a confusing and frustrating place. So anything that makes it either less confusing or lessens my frustration are good things in my book any day.