Reality v. Expectations and some random odd and ends...

(cross-posted on Facebook and Travis's Pensive blog)

I think I have set a new record in between blog posts...two months. I guess that shows how much other services have made sharing ideas quicker and easier.  Twitter, Facebook, and Flickr have allowed for short and more significantly quick ways to express myself and as such my blogging has been limited to really big things that take some exposition.  If you have been missing out on my randomness check out my various pages linked above to see stuff about the holidays, football, etc.

So I guess I'd be remiss if I didn't bring up the great demise of Cowboys season on Sunday...well what is there to say?  We got our butts kicked. It really is a puzzling result to me as the game was completely decided by our offensive line's total inability to block the Vikings.  Tony Romo literally had no chance.  For a line that has performed so well all season long, the way they played yesterday came completely out of left-field. Not really understanding the nuances of offensive line play, I find that it perhaps makes it all the more painful because it is harder to point to a specific "this is how/why we lost and this is how we can fix it."  Instead of going into great depth on this matter, myself check out the column written by columnist Jennifer Engel for the Fort Worth Star-Telegram for today.  It pretty much mirrors my thoughts on the game and the Cowboys season.  All-in-all: very positive.  Here is a excerpt from the column I particularly enjoy:

1. Stop blaming QB Tony Romo or do blame him, just expect to get “Are you smoking crack?” stares from everybody.

Repeat after me: Romo did not have a chance.

He barely had a chance to breathe, much less drop back and do his job. I do not know how you judge his game at all, unless grading him on his ability to run for his life. He did OK in his pocket pirouetting, when he was not lying flat on his back thanks to runaway Vikings defenders who took turns blowing past befuddled Cowboy linemen and knocking him into next week.

Romo’s fault? He deserves a medal for only fumbling twice. Having never done so myself, I can only guess it is pretty hard to hold onto the football when you are blindsided on one Mississippi.

This is not to say Romo played well. The interception was particularly poor but he did not have time to better his grade. So to blame him is like blaming the bartender for the drunken paparazzi shots of Lindsay Lohan. Go ahead, just prepare for the stares.

So somewhat logically out of the same premise of the great Cowboys' failure comes a larger issue that I think is worth discussing. I may have discussed this before in passing here on the blog (though a quick look through the archive doesn't give a indication of this fact), but anyway this has been something that has been weighing on my mind of late.  This is the proclivity of my 'expectations' failing to meet up with 'reality' and how this might relate to long-term planning. These two subjects seem to be quite intertwined for me. Now may be this is always the case that planning implies some level of 'expectation' and even the best planning doesn't guarantee that a certain outcome will result.  But I think that really planning is a means to try to increase the odds that such and such will happen if I do this and this.  Recently I have found that I have all these great plans to do activities/socialize/have fun and my 'expectation' is that these are going to be great (!) and I am going to get out of my funk and lead more of the life I would like to see myself leading.  So I make all these plans and prepare, but they get buzz-sawed for any number of reasons before they can be seen to fruition.

One of my favorite movies of late has been 500 Days of Summer.  There is a unique sequence in that movie where they show split-screen of the main character Tom as an event occurs in which one side shows the expectations he had for this event and the other half of the split screen depicts what actually happened. I have embedded a portion of that scene below:

(direct URL: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/dor/objects/14252918/500-days-of-summer/videos/500days_2_071009.html)

Now if you have seen the movie you know what happens at the conclusion of this particular scene.  My life seems to be filled with smaller versions of this scene.  One little gut punch after another. I don't want to go through each sad tale of misfortune, but rather muse on what perhaps is the best way forward.  Setting lower expectations would seem to be the best option or planning a little less far in advance with great hope hanging on something to happen. On the other hand, I feel as though there is something to be said for living life large and expecting or hoping that great things are going to happen. Today is going to be the day! I only have to wait until next week...that is when everything is going to fall into place and my life will be better for it!  I think it is important to live life with passion and excitement and losing the thought that something remarkable is going to happen doesn't seem so appealing.

I guess as many of the questions I raise there is no good answer or solution to magically fix the problem. Adapting and changing, figuring out what works are things I have found takes time, having patience and realizing things have a way of working themselves out is something I need to embrace and try not be downhearted when expectations fail to meet up with a certain reality. Life is a journey that doesn't always happen on the schedule you want it to. You just have have to live to see the day when you have finally arrived at the place you are striving for.

It’s for days like today that I don’t drink…

This seems to be consistently popping up again these days. The clash between my decision not to partake in the consumption of alcohol, especially that which occurs in large quantities.  While it certainly does me no favors in the social arena as I am very aware, I simply don’t feel that it is a very good idea to explore too deeply that aspect of life.  I refuse to let myself drown my many sorrowing in alcohol.  That would serve me poorly, and provide no solutions to the problems, and in all likelihood create additional troubles for my friends and family.  I really have so specific reason for which to base my convictions on as I have never been surrounded by people who are loaded all the time or who even consume alcohol on a regular basis, but attitudes toward this are founded in being a responsible person and never do I want to have the excuse of alcohol for hurting anyone, especially my friends and family. Get high on life…that is how I live.

So I guess what brings this up again is point is another crushing, U of M loss today against Ohio State. It has been a tough year to be a Michigan fan.  As much as it was last year when we were going through our worst year in program history.  Seemingly I am doomed this days to be tugged around by my heart-strings by all my favorite sports teams.  The Cowboys are particularly the largest such offenders as expectations and results sometimes are in striking contrast. But back to the game today, I was quite the display of self-afflicted injuries.  I don’t really want to pile on Tate Forcier, but being responsible solely for 5 turnovers is simply too much for any team to overcome.  A couple better decisions in these situations, and we have a shot to win at the end of the game. Instead we get serenaded with the cacophony  of O-H-I-O cheers by the multitude of OSU fans in attendance.  We were unable to run the ball throughout, but were able to make some plays downfield when we weren’t making huge mistakes. Our defense played well above expectations and gave us every opportunity to win the game.  We unfortunately unable to hold the Buckeyes to a FG attempt there in the 4th quarter as they simply called the perfect play for a charged up defense ready to take down the quarterback.  No hard feelings there.  I have to have witnessed more U of M losses in person than anyone in many decades at Michigan after today’s loss I have now witnessed 11 of them in every conceivable fashion. 

Next year will be a different year (maybe or hopefully with a different coach), and hopefully we can get back to the mantra “Those that stay will be champions.”  Until then I have basketball season to enjoy, Michigan is fielding another strong team led by Manny Harris and DeShawn Sims.  We should be competing down to the last day for the Big Ten championship and I will be watching both on TV and in person down the stretch.  I am perhaps more excited about the prospects of Wright State this year.  In the few games that have been played already, we seem to have a strong team this year that too should be able to complete for a conference championship.  Butler better watch out…there are Raiders on the prowl.

Out of the Archive: November 14, 2006 "Ups and Downs"

So I wrote back in 2006 when I still was an undergrad...reflecting upon this as a graduate student.  I think it in may ways still applies.  I might say that the ups last a bit longer here and the downs can be somewhat lower.  The stakes have changed dramatically though...what was I really worried about anyway?

November 14, 2006: "Ups and Downs"

I'm not sure what exactly it is about college but it seems to induce quite the emotional roller coaster of emotions. One day things are great, life is great, and emotionally you can accomplish anything you set your mind to. The next day is the complete opposite, everything goes wrong and you feel like crap, wondering what the heck you are doing in life, and unsure of what the future holds.

Perhaps this is just an intrinsic part about college simply because of the block scheduling of classes, so naturally one day can be completely different than the next. To me, it seems as though this may contribute but is not the most significant contributing factor. A large aspect relating to the ups and downs of daily college life is probably the amount of sleep you have. I have found getting a goods night's rest can solve a lot of problems, or at least settle the mind.

The more I think about it though, the high stakes of college and all the things that go with it. The pressure to perform or impress, getting everything done, and then maintaining a life outside of the school front. Some days these issues have less of an impact (like the day after an exam or at the beginning of a quarter) and consequently you are more likely to have an "up" kind of day. While other days are just the perfect storms of stress and aggravation that result in "down" days.

Gladly today is an "up" kind of day. But I'm on the watch for the next downer of a day.

Watching the (*Glup*) Yankees-Angels and Other Sporting Tidbits…

So looking at the slice of life that doesn’t involve chemistry, chemistry, and more chemistry over the course of the past month or so…well there isn’t much exciting going on.  Most of the hours not spent in the school building are spent recuperating from those very same hours. 

A constant though for anyone who knows me has always been my passion for sports.  My teams at the moment are limited to the Cowboys and the Wolverines (Rangers…*tears) and they have decided been up and down over the course of the first few months of the season.  They have the tendency to lose in the most gut-wrenching fashions (see Cowboys-Giants, or UM-Iowa) and this kills me a little inside.  It has always been something of a debate in my mind as to whether such events have a negative effect on my day-to-day life.  I mean I think it isn’t that the losses themselves are particularly the problem because I have experienced years and years of bad losses…I am somewhat equipped to handle them at this point. (Debatable I know some will argue.) But rather, it is the lack of uplift that such losses don’t provide as a boost for the week. 

Many weekends I am left wondering…why did I waste this weekend away watching a whole bunch of games only to be disappointed?  It kinda opens the flood of insecurities about my path in life more generally. Something that perhaps merits a closer look at some point in the future.

Well anyway, this weekend was something slightly different as the Cowboys had a bye and Michigan played a terrible FCS team in Delaware State…not a lot to be gained or lost from either of these games.  So it was a somewhat trimmed down sports weekend with the opportunity to do something else or watch some emotion-free sports events.

While the Rangers are out of the playoffs (actually never were in), I finally broke down and watched a good chunk of the Yankees-Angels on both Friday and Saturday.  I am a notorious Yankees-hater (really anyone who doesn’t LOVE the Yankees…hates them I believe) and we don’t even need to go into how much I hate the Angels. (The Angels may be the most annoying team on earth.) So really the question becomes, who do I root for in the series, or even game-to-game?  Well for a variety of complicated reasons both sports related and personal, I have professed an allegiance to the Yankees for this series, but boy is it rough.

I felt kinda bad when it looked like they were going to lose after the Angels took the lead in extra innings, so I changed the channel to watch SNL or something, figuring that the game was probably over and the freakin’ Angels had managed to steal the.  But how quickly I forget that the Yankees too have the annoying habit of gross, inexplicable comebacks.  So when I turn back over, the Yankees had found a way to tie it…and of course it is thanks to a former Ranger…A-Rod.  My feelings of disgust that this development once again reveal that as much as I say I want the Yankees to win…deep down inside…failure would be great.  Actually if it were possible, both teams losing would be awesome.  Naturally, I went to bed half an inning before the Yankees’ walk-off win (*great*) fueled by another former Ranger…Jerry Hairston, Jr.  Perhaps its better that way.

One final thing I would like to point about this crazy series is the number of former Rangers playing for either the Yankees or the Angels.

For the Angels:  Darren Oliver (who incidentally pitched for the Rangers the last time the Rangers made it to the playoffs in the 1990s), Gary Matthews, Jr (who bolted for the big money payday and now sits on the bench), I think that is it…

For the Yankees: A-Rod (enough said), MTex (I don’t hate him…just wish he was more invested in what the Rangers were trying to build and less about money), Jerry Hairston, Jr (for a little while at least), Freddie Guzman (one-time Rangers prospect saw some action a few years ago…and I remembered him!)…Naturally all of these players played a huge role in the Yankees win on Saturday. Much to my chagrin!

Somewhat related random note: watching the Arkansas-Florida game on Saturday…I was disappointed by Arkansas and their inability to get our of their own way to beat Florida (they should have won with any better execution than they had). I guess partially because a) they have Michigan’s QB in Ryan Mallett and b) because Wright State share’s the Razorbacks' fight song.  Isn’t it strange how the loosest of connection can effect one’s rooting interests?

Questions...

A lazy, tired Friday afternoon/evening...so I am pondering a few questions:

Why is every other person wearing galoshes today?...They are neither needed nor are they particularly cool.  They are becoming so overworn as to approach Ugg-boots levels.

Why bother doing something if you aren't going to do it with passion?...I live my life with passion.  Every experience is an opportunity to learn, every chore/task/job makes you stronger/smarter/closer-to-being-done...do things with passion and take ownership of them.

Why do thiols have to be so darn smelly? (Much more of a rhetorical question)

Why are Fridays so darn depressing?  Or are they just the result of exhaustion from a long, hard week?

And finally....Why is there so much traffic in Ann Arbor today on a non-game weekend?  So strange..

LIVE BLOGGING: Cowboys-Giants and Opening of Cowboys Stadium

I like to do this from time to time...blogging my thoughts and comments live as they happen during events.  I have done this previously for other Cowboys games  and Michigan games as well as awards ceremonies and the Olympics opening ceremony.  For whatever reason I am in the mood so here it goes...I will try to keep track of the number of camera shots of the big board, because I have the feeling they are going to be astronomical...I may slip in a few Emmy comments as I flip back and forth...

7:51...Listening to the pregame show on the Dallas Cowboys Radio Network.  I forgot about them unveiling the Ring of Honor tonight...that should be cool.  Game about 30 minutes away...
7:57...111,000 a complete filling to capacity of Cowboys Stadium...that is very Michigan Stadium like
8:02...love Keith Olbermann, but not a fan of those glasses he is wearing...they look like granny glasses.
8:05...Pat Summerall and John Madden in the house tonight...can't they call the game instead of Michaels and Collinsworth?
8:08....Emmys have started....love Neil Patrick Harris....and the set looks great....I am DVRing the ceremony, so I may not flip over there very much.
8:12...Unveiled the star...not so memorable on the radio...haha
8:16...Larry Brown thinks the Cowboys will run away with it 28-10...hope he is right
8:19...haha comparing Cowboys Stadium to the other man-made wonders of the world
8:20....I am jazzed up!! (BTW....already a shot of the video board)
8:24....President Bush here for the coin flip...I would definitely be among the boo-ers.  Cowboys win the toss and have elected to receive.
8:26...Really think Sunday Night Football stole Monday Night Football's music intro thingy...even Faith Hill can't win me over...Hank Williams, Jr. FTW
8:27...Jordan Sparks and the national anthem....lets get this thing started!
8:29....Demarcus Ware talking about the 12th man...hopefully this stadium helps
8:32....Al Michaels already pissing me off...that took about two seconds.
8:34....First punt of the night doesn't hit the scoreboard...three and out to start the new stadium.
8:36...Cowboys defense looks absolutely horrible after two plays...yikes
8:41...Defensive stand by the Cowboys in the Red Zone holds the Giants to a FG...after they gash them down the field with the passing game.
8:46....getting a first down would be great.  And Tashard Choice provided the first Cowboys first down in the new stadium. I wonder if they are saving balls like that throughout the night...."first Cowboys first down ball"
8:50....Choice is the first down man!  Barber follows by gashing a huge run deep into Giants territory.
8:51....Bennett effort ones down to a First and Goal situation! And the first Cowboys TD belongs to Marion Barber...Cowboys lead 7-3!!!

The Cowboys tight end combination of Witten and Bennett is going to be huge tonight and the rest of the season.  They are a couple of the best in the league...makes up for a questionable WR core.

8:55...Might break the NFL attendance record tonight.
8:59...Some serious Cowboys pressure coming in the form of Demarcus Ware...Giants go three-and-out.
9:03...Lots of Cowboys Hall of Famers in the house tonight.  A pick six for the Giants...not good at all.  Giants 10 Cowboys 7
9:06...And the Cowboys follow by fumbling the kickoff....got to try to keep the wheels on this thing...sheesh
9:11...Giants end the 1st Quarter with a goal-to-go situation....Cowboys need to find a way to hold them to a FG.
9:14...A couple great plays by the Cowboys hold the Giants to a field goal....Giants 13 Cowboys 7

Offense needs to stop giving away points...that is 10 points off turnovers now for the Giants...tough to overcome.

9:17...We get it...the building is quite large.
9:20...Miles Austin with a big catch and run! Tack on 15 yds for a facemask penalty.
9:21...Nice reverse by Crayton to get ball down to the 2...but he is hurt on the play, hope he is OK! Can't afford to lose any wideouts....as I mentioned...I think we are kinda thin.
9:28...My main man...Jason Witten with the 1 yd TD catch....love him to pieces. (I am wearing his jersey.)  Cowboys 14 Giants 13
9:32....Might have to add a few thousand counting the people in the parking lot watching on the big screens
9:33...Kinda surprised Mario Manningham even caught the ball....big play for the former Michigan Wolverine.  And then the ball subsequent...
9:35...Ware has finally said enough of that Manningham crap...nice tackle for a loss.
9:37...Michaels needs to stop with the "punts hitting the scoreboard" crap...it is not that interesting.
9:39...Time to christen Cowboys Stadium with a Tony Dorsett-like 99 yd. TD run...or I guess 95 yd one with a better than expected spot on the downed punt.
9:42...No long TD run...but it was pretty darn close...a broken tackle away for Choice.
9:44...Crowd rocking on the third down attempt by the Giants...nice three-and-out...Two minutes left for the Cowboys to tack on some points.
9:48...Tony, Emmitt, and Michael sighting on the field.  Big tripping penalty on Flozell...negates a huge pass play.
9:51...First Romo to Williams connection of the night...nice effort to breakaway from a tackler and pick up the first down.
9:53...Oh man...most unlucky interception ever...tough break there.  I can't believe that ball didn't hit the ground.
9:58...Mario Manningham is killing me.  Bobbling TD catch....Giants lead 20-14. That is now 17 points off turnovers for the Giants.
10:01...I really want to throttle Michaels and Collinsworth right now...so annoying.
10:04...Nice little dump off to Barber...gives the Cowboys a chance for a FG.
10:05...Folk add a 46 yard FG...Giants 20 Cowboys 17

Time to honor all the Ring of Honor Cowboys for the re-dedication of said thing.

10:21....Missing Mad Men and the Emmys to watch this game.   The Cowboys better win!
10:24...Not the way we want to start the second half...three big runs for the Giants. And now Newman is hurt...sheesh again.
10:26...gosh this is horrible horrible Cowboys defense.  Time for a red zone defensive stand.
10:29...Almost interception by Bradie James....and a missed FG by the Giants
10:32...Jones starts the Cowboys drive by busting a big one!
10:33...105,121 at the game....largest crowd in the history of the NFL
10:35...Forced to punt...time for some strong defense.  Kinda a sorry play call on third down.
10:38...Another rocking crowd moment...induces a Giants timeout.
10:43...Several stupid penalties by the Cowboys gift the Giants a million yds.
10:44...Terence Newman with a huge tackle on annoying Manningham, forces a Giants punt.

No more nonsense by the Cowboys...its time to score a TD and get this crowd energized.

10:48...WHOO!!! Huge gashing run for Felix Jones!! Followed by a punishing run by Barber...and another run by Barber with some magic behind it.
10:50...First and Goal Dallas!
10:52...QB DRAW FOR THE TD!  Tate Forcier?  HAHA... Cowboys lead 24-20 :-)
10:54...From a commercial for Couples Retreat...."My name is Stanley with a 'C'"...somehow I don't think that works...
10:57...Giants forced to punt.  It would be nice if the first man would make the tackle for the Cowboys...
10:59...A little late...but Collinsworth admits it is not as easy as you think to hit the scoreboard as it might seem.
11:01...Another silly pass from Romo...obviously never saw the safety sitting in the middle of the field.
11:03...Mario Manningham is going on my hit-list after tonight...killing us.
11:07...And Steve Smith just tears our secondary apart for a touchdown....Giants lead 27-24

Our offense needs to get back to running the ball...we are struggling to get open down the field.  Starting to get a bit nervous about this one at this point...

11:20...Defense bends but doesn't break...Giants extend the lead to 30-24...seriously lets score a TD.
11:24...Another great run for the Cowboys...need to keep doing that...
11:26...Romo to Witten for a crucial first down!
11:28...Barber comes up lame on a big run...Jones finishes it off with a TD run!  Cowboys take the lead 31-30

Hopefully we are tuning up the passing defense...the Giants are going to come out slinging I imagine.

11:32...Wow...251 yds on the ground for the Cowboys most since 1994
11:33...Great way to start the drive for the Giants...two penalties
11:36...Huge 3rd down coming up after the Two-minute warning...and likely 4th
11:38...Unable to stop them...got to do better
11:41...Time for redemption...got to stop them here 3rd on 4 at the 40 something
11:43...Again unable to stop them
11:44...Must miss FG attempt for the Giants....fingers-crossed
11:45...Trying to freeze the kicker...just made it in time.

Cowboys lose to the Giants 33-31...there are no words...

Old yet Young yet Somehow Neither...

So a week or two ago, I discussed some of my personal thoughts on socializing and some of the struggles I have been having as I see them.  As I so frequently do, I have been spending some quality time thinking about why I am the way that I am and perhaps find ways to improve myself and achieve a greater amount of personal satisfaction.

As someone who is twenty-four years old, I am by all accounts a young individual who has some amount of freedom to be a bit carefree and just have fun in life.  For others, that means doing reckless things or living it up on the town...whatever.  As I previously discussed those are things that aren't particularly interesting to me.  But just the same, I sometimes feel like I should be a little more willing to just "have fun".

Some of this dichotomy comes from the fact that while I am twenty-four, I am a third-year (!) graduate student.  Someone who has an advanced education even compared to his peers at the same age.  The level of dedication and time commitment to achieving all that I have to this point has put me in a place in my professional life where I feel much older than that twenty-four years of life.  I work long hours and need the requisite sleep this makes my evening hours spent largely unwinding from a long day...not out enjoying life.  It feels as though I am living the life of a much older person some days.

While that is fine.  I am educationally and professionally perhaps a bit beyond my years, but personality-wise (if that makes sense) I have maintained "my child-like wonder".  I am an easily entertained individual.  I find the world fascinating and interesting in it of itself.  I don't require constant stimulation from others or to be involved in typically interesting events. Well, I guess that may be a bit of a generous statement, but really I think of myself as young at heart.  I don't like cussing.  I watch and listen to Disney movies/songs.  Board games, fireworks, family time, following rules, going to bed early...I could go on and on.

It is sometimes difficult to mesh these two aspects of my life.  The very adult professional life on one hand and the much more innocent and naive way I go through life.  The melding of these two makes for awkwardness on both ends of the spectrum.  I am not someone who fits into the mold, so I can communicate on one level but perhaps fail at another level.  There is a difficult middle ground that I think I struggle with balancing.  This perhaps is also related to my on going struggles with socialization and related issues.

Finally, I could probably spend a whole post discussing this final aspect, but that will be left for another place and time.  That final aspect is that of romantic or dating life.  There is little doubt that I am years younger than my actual age in this regard.  I have never been on what I would call a real date, never had a real girlfriend and have never done anything that goes along with any of that.  Really I have no confidence in this arena and I this is an aspect of my life that has become particularly agonizing as I see my peers in long term relationships, getting married, and even having kids.  Its frustating that I feel as though I have a lot to offer, but either can't get out of my own way to make things happen, or at this stage in a twenty something year old life....what I am dishing out is just not what is being sought after.  The confusing thing becomes...how to change whatever impression or vibe that I give off whether it is that I am someone who is too professionally driven or too immature.

I think I will leave it at that for now, but frankly I may have more to discuss in the future on the topic.  To summarize, I find myself trapped amongst the various aspects of life, some of which I feel that are increasingly incompatible as they stand at the moment.  Once I again I find myself trying to bridge gaps in my emotional life...on the ever elusive personal quest for satisfaction in life