With it being a relatively slow evening (no Rangers, Fall season hasn't started yet) it is the perfect time to spend some time blogging!
The title is more of an alliterative word-play than a substantive description (hence the parenthetical to not make it not sound quite so alarmist), but I think can aptly describe my current state of being.
I have talked with so many people in so many different forms over the past few days/weeks/months about the subject of my future and where I am headed. Heck...I even wrote a couple blog posts about the "future" when the summer was just beginning. One about...well a decidedly different topic (and I even referred to "my major malfunction")...and the second about my work future. So I figured it is an appropriate time to organize my thought-process on the whole situation and layout my "options" as I see them at this moment. Especially focusing on my insecurities and misgivings about the whole thing which I see as essentially my "major malfunction" in this particular context.
Fundamentally, I am at this cross-roads period where it is time to think about my future. I am starting my fifth year and it is the plan to graduate sometime before this time next year. The goal is sooner (i.e. before May...rather than later, like next summer). I could talk endlessly about how I feel my research is woefully incomplete and has some pretty significantly logic leaps in it and that I don't feel that my publication portfolio is a slam dunk "let's-pass-him-he's-ready-to-graduate" kind of deal just yet while at the same time I feel pretty confident that I have developed the thought-process demanded of earning a PhD. But for the sake of everyone's sanity, I will simply leave it as the cloud hanging over the rest of the proceedings here: "Am I [Travis] ready to graduate?'
With that big question looming, there still exist that need to be prepared for the next phase in my career if the answer to that question turns out to be yes. As such my life (and head) is swimming with talk of my post-doctoral job hunt. (For those unfamiliar read the Wikipedia page on what a "post-doc" is/does...basically it is another step towards a career in academia.) Now unlike many of the job fields in the current climate, this isn't simply take the first offer that comes my way. But rather something that really needs to be a balance of augmenting what I have learned by providing some area of new experience while utilizing skills that I have picked up in my graduate training. Simply put: given my pedigree, I (theoretically should) have some options.
As it stands, there are few clear options that I have a reasonably good "ins" with that I could conceivably see myself taking when the time comes. None of them in the abstract are perfect situations. One would be heavily spectroscopic (basically the opposite direction of study I would like to lean toward for my post doc) but in a beautiful part of the country that I love. Another could be at a big institute in the Northeast presumably doing less spectroscopy and more synthesis, but definitely biological and not materials oriented. Finally another potential one that is decidedly more in my wheelhouse...in Chicago, doing materials synthesis and characterization...but really plays upon my apprehensions about being able to do everything hypothetically required of me and being "a good fit".
Outside of the fundamental questions about the kind of chemistry I want to be doing. I perhaps have larger location qualification than most. I love the Midwest. I have grown up here my whole life. Culturally I understand it. I want to be near my family. These things are important to me even though it will only be year a two. Chicago would be awesome for a lot of "personal" reasons. I could live with the Northeast I think. The West seems too far despite the number of great schools/programs.
I have to decide if I am going to let chemistry dictate my life or if such personal considerations like these will trump some opportunities. I am at the point where I feel like I have neglected a lot outside of the realm of chemistry for the past several years. (See another recent blog post.) I am very much tempted to be swayed by factors that have nothing to do with chemistry...out of the fear that I may have to give up certain "aspirations" in my life once again in my new phase of life.
Other questions: what do I actually need to accomplish with this post-doc to be successful in the academic job market? Does it really matter so much the pedigree of the program/lab I go into? Does the kind of chemistry actually matter, or can I develop a research program without a lot of experience in an area of research?
At this point I am frozen. Everyone is so positive about the things I can accomplish. Almost to the point that they are a given. But I have to make it happen. I do. Nothing is a given. Just because people say I am ready to graduate doesn't mean I just graduate. Looking too far in the future...makes it seem like the present is already decided. It's not. Any future that I have is the result of my actions in the here and now and to divorce myself from that to jump ahead to sort-out something so nebulous in my head as what my future post-doc job will be is incredibly difficult. I guess I need some larger reassurances that my "present" is in far better shape than what I think before I can seriously wrap my head around pouring concrete into my future into concrete.
Advice is always welcome and I can't express enough how much the encouragement I have gotten all along helps. The world I am in is a confusing and frustrating place. So anything that makes it either less confusing or lessens my frustration are good things in my book any day.
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