Looking to the Future: Pessimistic(?) Edition...PART II

So as promised a second part to my more pessimistic outlook toward the future (Part I can be found here.)...and here it is. It is kinda sad that I am willing to devote two posts to more negative affects, while only one to the more positive ones, but frankly it is much more cathartic to write about those things that bother you than it is for the happier things. (At least for me.)

I talked previously about how in a lot of way the past haunts me and that it feels like I perpetually making the same "mistakes" over and over again. I have been thinking a lot about this since...say...Valentine's Day when these sort of thoughts tend to coalesce in the mind. Very clearly in my mind are specific situations that I would give anything to return to and change how I acted. They are moments of time in my life in which that window was open to take a relationship to the next level or step-up in an important way. I failed to recognize them. Some of them to this day fill me with regret and/or break my heart to think back to them.

I am reminded of a recent Bones episode where Dr. Brennan is finally in an emotional place to realize that she has made mistakes in the past with her relationship with Booth. It spoke to me as someone who has failed on some level and cares a burden of regret on how I have lived my life.

BRENNAN: Not everything. She died with regrets.

BOOTH: Come on, Bones. Everybody has regrets.

BRENNAN: I heard her, you know? Micah says that all we get are these...dim, staticky messages from the universe.

BOOTH: Who is this Micah guy?

BRENNAN: The night watchman but he attends a lot of lectures. Anyway, the point is, she never gave him a chance.

BOOTH: Micah?

BRENNAN: No. No, the helicopter pilot. He offered himself to her, but she never gave him a chance. That was her regret. I got the signal, Booth. I don't want to have any regrets.

BOOTH: Um, I'm with someone. Bones. And, uh, Hannah? She's not a consolation prize. I love her. You know, the last thing I want to do is hurt you, but those are the facts.

BRENNAN: I understand. I missed my chance. My whole world turned upside down. I can adjust.

"Staticky messages from the universe" indeed.

 I'd rather not get into the specific details of the situations as the setup would be just unwieldy and really details of which would be too revealing of the individuals in question. I can't recall if I have discussed any of these situations before in the blog (likely in some form perhaps in a very vague way), but really what I want to do is to relate how these moments are perpetuated and are very difficult to overcome.

 In the greatest sense, a series of these events are just things I can't let go of. The person in question is someone I care deeply about, but I am trapped in a situation where things are just left unspoken on my part. So until some resolution is reached in my mind or action performed on my part, I don't know that I will be able to let go and move on with my life. I really think that this has put blinders in a way on me to the point where I can't easily see past...well the past...and think practically about the future and how I want to spend it.

 It hit me today a good way to think about what my major malfunction on the issue is...and this can be extended to other facets of my life in academia too...and that is a feeling that there is always someone better out there than me. In the case of relationships, I rationalize in my mind that for this amazing girl whom I thinks rocks the worlds...she could have anybody she wants...anybody. Find someone more interesting, more athletic, more fun, more handsome, whatever. In my mind...how can I compete? What makes me worthy? Its really the same insecurities in science. Everyone else is an expert in this or that. I would surely point to someone else as being the best source of knowledge on any specific subject. What am I so good at?

 So that is the crux of my issue as I look to the future. How do I convince myself that I belong? Can I move past my perceived faults as a person to put myself out there either in a relationship or in science? These are difficult things to wrangle with and have been the kinds of things I try to sort out in this type of forum. I think in some ways I have improved in recent years. There are a lot of things about myself that I feel are really valuable and that I have a lot to offer. I just all too often let the fear wash over me and I chicken-out on any attempts to move past these issues. (One of these undiscussed haunted memories is such a situation about a little more than 3 years ago.)

 While this feels to me like my explanation is a little half-baked, it is the best I can do without just ripping open a gaping emotional hole for me. To put it concisely, my outlook to the future is some what pessimistic simply due to what I see is a repeated failure to move past the things that hold me back. Until I can overcome them, I will likely never achieve the idealized picture I painted at the start of my previous post.