Looking through my blog’s archive for the past four or five years or so, I am surprised as I haven’t tackled this particular topic head-on during one of those years. Certainly those days have echoed the same feelings and sentiments that today holds for me, perhaps not quite as strongly, but definitely they were difficult days. Today I want to lay out what I think about this special day and how it is one of those benchmark days I look at to assess my life.
Every year there are days in which you stop and take stock of what your life has become, where you are going, what you have achieved, what you seek in the future. For me these days have always been: my birthday (August 21), New Years Day, and Valentines Day. The first two are somewhat obvious days to reassess as they both represent something of new beginnings and a chance to reflect on your previous year of life or of the calendar. The last is a day I typically use to reflect upon my personal relationships and if I am any closer to filling that hole in my life.
As much as I might prefer to just push this to the back of my mind, it becomes nearly impossible as February 14 approaches. This year it seems more so than in the past that EVERYONE is in a relationship (heck even my brother is!). To say I am not happy for everyone would be untrue. I am, but I truly feel jealous and somewhat hurt by it all. I think I have many wonderful qualities that someone is missing out on, so it just makes me sad that either I can’t showcase them properly or I am not worth taking a chance on in everyone’s eyes. As the years have passed, I have begun slowly preparing for (but hoping strongly against) a lifetime alone. In years past I have been much more hopeful about my relationship front, but the year ahead seems particularly grim at the moment. But that could always change I guess…it only takes a moment.
Until that moment I am filling my broken heart with all the warmth that movies and television can provide. I am a romantic at heart (which no one probably knows), so I gravitate to shows and movies that tell stories of love unrequited. They seem to resonate with me, as someone who is waiting for his opportunity to seize the day and go for love.
So for this year my date for Valentine’s Day is once again chemistry.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lovebirds in the world. Cherish that feeling.
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