So it has been a while since I delved into anything personal into this space, which really was part of the impetus for starting this blog several years ago. The reasons for this are many, but most notably I have been pretty darn busy with the whole graduate school things for the last several years. And therefore, I haven't had the spare energy to really go into anything too personal (or better put emotional).
Well for whatever today feels kinda right to discuss some aspects of my life, personality, or whatever it would be best called, despite the fact that I am tired and sick (not sick and tired...ha). I really think the confluence of several events of the past couple of weeks has had me really thinking about where I am in life and kind of things that I feel I am lacking in life or missing out on due to "character flaws" (not really the right word).
Not surprisingly these events have all had a very social component them: chemistry department poster session, departmental picnic, U of M football game, and 1st/2nd/(and 3rd) Outing at Dominick's. Its not really a secret that I am not much of a party person. I mean how many quote, unquote "parties" have I been invited to over the years...well...very few. Now that has bothered me on and off over the years, but because really I don't much care for the typical party it really makes sense not to invite me. Chances are I wouldn't go. I admit though at times it would be nice to be wanted to go. *Returning back to the point of this paragraph* So anyway, all these events were great opportunities to catch up with people that I haven't talked to in awhile, or actually meet some of the new graduate students that are coming into the program. More times than not unfortunately, I found myself being that awkward guy standing alone, watching the groups of people have discussions around me. I'd like to talk a little about this and muse about what exactly accounts for these actions...is it fear? is it shyness? is it un-relateability? some combination?
As with anything, I don't you can say it is solely caused by one of these things or another, but I would like to say it is largely still a factor of shyness and not fear, though admittedly the line between the two is very narrow. I think it is also important to point out that where I am today is still I believe a step forward from the point I was at even five years ago.
First to establish a point of reference, here is the Wikapedia definition of shyness:
In humans, shyness (also called diffidence) is a social psychology term used to describe the feeling of apprehension, lack of confidence, or awkwardness experienced when a person is in proximity to, approaching, or being approached by other people, especially in new situations or with unfamiliar people. Shyness may come from personality introversion, genetic traits, or the environment in which a person is raised.
The reason why I am inclined to define myself as "shy" more so than just out right afraid is that really once you dig right down to the core or get to know me...I actually am quite social (in a some what unorthodox manner). Look at my Facebook page for instance, I really give out all sorts of information about myself...I publish my Skype handle, my cell phone number (to friends), I pipe in my blog, I share items from Google Reader for everyone to see. Heck, I do this blog don't I? I can be as social as someone will let me. Where the shyness comes in is that really this is sometimes a one-way street of sorts, I am basically sending out this beacon "talk to me, talk to me" that almost has to be answered for anything to start. Really this method is quite ineffective as you can imagine, but those that have answered the call...at least I hope...can say they have someone who is a good friend.
I will close this meandering piece with a little discussion about what I call "relateability" which really ties in with the final topic listed in the title of this post, alcohol. I many ways I am aged beyond my years, with interests that are quite divergent with many my age. As mentioned before, I generally have no interest in parties, at least those typically thrown by twenty-somethings. Seemingly, a cornerstone of every "good" party involves alcohol, which I have zero interest in and will be fully discussed in a bit. I am a planner and punctual person. I like to have scoped out what the activity is going to be ahead of time and planned how it is going to go...I am not that spontaneous. While not a perfect example of this, take for instance U of M football games: whereas others are content to arrive to the game whenever they feel like it and leave at the drop of a hat, I on the other hand like to take on the full experience of the game; the pregame festivities, warm-ups, etc so consequently I like to get to the park a full hour before the game and always stay through the whole thing no matter how bad we are playing. This is a distinct contrast to everyone I know unfortunately.
OK to close, I want to discuss alcohol...and why I don't generally partake.
1. I don't like the way it tastes. Really this is probably the simplest reason. I know that it is an acquired taste, and I guess people work their way into liking it. There are plenty of other drinks that I do like, why do I have drink something that doesn't taste good?
2. I have no interesting in getting drunk. Now this has long been a strong second reason for me not drinking alcohol. Being someone who like control, I don't think losing all my inhibitions is something that I would find too pleasant. It has long been a point of interest of many...what kind of drunk would Travis be?...frankly I don't plan on finding out.
3. This last reason is one that I don't think I have spoken about to anyone. This is one that fits kinda well with my earlier discussion and well things that I must have talked about in the past. I am afraid I might like it, and with that all the negative ramifications that it can have on person's life might come into play. I have the tendency to become addicted to various things in my life (TV, sports teams, gummy bears, etc.). Something like alcohol that could cause so much damage in life is something I don't want to become too attached to. It certainly helps that it doesn't taste very good.
I am willing to sacrifice personal relationships over these issues. Frankly, I have a perfectly good time in life with the influence of controlled substances.
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