So a week or two ago, I discussed some of my personal thoughts on socializing and some of the struggles I have been having as I see them. As I so frequently do, I have been spending some quality time thinking about why I am the way that I am and perhaps find ways to improve myself and achieve a greater amount of personal satisfaction.
As someone who is twenty-four years old, I am by all accounts a young individual who has some amount of freedom to be a bit carefree and just have fun in life. For others, that means doing reckless things or living it up on the town...whatever. As I previously discussed those are things that aren't particularly interesting to me. But just the same, I sometimes feel like I should be a little more willing to just "have fun".
Some of this dichotomy comes from the fact that while I am twenty-four, I am a third-year (!) graduate student. Someone who has an advanced education even compared to his peers at the same age. The level of dedication and time commitment to achieving all that I have to this point has put me in a place in my professional life where I feel much older than that twenty-four years of life. I work long hours and need the requisite sleep this makes my evening hours spent largely unwinding from a long day...not out enjoying life. It feels as though I am living the life of a much older person some days.
While that is fine. I am educationally and professionally perhaps a bit beyond my years, but personality-wise (if that makes sense) I have maintained "my child-like wonder". I am an easily entertained individual. I find the world fascinating and interesting in it of itself. I don't require constant stimulation from others or to be involved in typically interesting events. Well, I guess that may be a bit of a generous statement, but really I think of myself as young at heart. I don't like cussing. I watch and listen to Disney movies/songs. Board games, fireworks, family time, following rules, going to bed early...I could go on and on.
It is sometimes difficult to mesh these two aspects of my life. The very adult professional life on one hand and the much more innocent and naive way I go through life. The melding of these two makes for awkwardness on both ends of the spectrum. I am not someone who fits into the mold, so I can communicate on one level but perhaps fail at another level. There is a difficult middle ground that I think I struggle with balancing. This perhaps is also related to my on going struggles with socialization and related issues.
Finally, I could probably spend a whole post discussing this final aspect, but that will be left for another place and time. That final aspect is that of romantic or dating life. There is little doubt that I am years younger than my actual age in this regard. I have never been on what I would call a real date, never had a real girlfriend and have never done anything that goes along with any of that. Really I have no confidence in this arena and I this is an aspect of my life that has become particularly agonizing as I see my peers in long term relationships, getting married, and even having kids. Its frustating that I feel as though I have a lot to offer, but either can't get out of my own way to make things happen, or at this stage in a twenty something year old life....what I am dishing out is just not what is being sought after. The confusing thing becomes...how to change whatever impression or vibe that I give off whether it is that I am someone who is too professionally driven or too immature.
I think I will leave it at that for now, but frankly I may have more to discuss in the future on the topic. To summarize, I find myself trapped amongst the various aspects of life, some of which I feel that are increasingly incompatible as they stand at the moment. Once I again I find myself trying to bridge gaps in my emotional life...on the ever elusive personal quest for satisfaction in life
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